I don't even like rollercoasters that much!

What was it Julie Andrews sang to those annoying Von Trapp kids? Oh yes, I know "lets start at the very beginning, it's a very good place to start..."  Well, I suppose she had a point so that's what I will do.

My beginning was an evening in late Summer/early Autumn this year.  My daughter, Hannah is ten and loves a cuddle.  She was sitting on the sofa, leaning her head against my chest when I suddenly felt a sharp pain on the right side of my breast bone.  "Hmm" I thought "that doesn't feel right" so I had a tentative feel of the area - all the while dreading that I might actually feel a lump and trying so hard NOT to do so - if you know what I mean?  Although it was tender, I couldn't feel anything that shouldn't be there so I put it to the back of my mind.  Over the next couple of weeks, I gently prodded the area a few times to see if the pain was still there, but it seemed to have cleared up - maybe I imagined it - after all, she does have a bony head? However, call it intuition - call it pessimism - heck, call it what you like, a nagging started at the back of my mind that all wasn't as it should be.  I began to feel that my right breast was different in some way so took to checking it almost daily - even walking around Tescos I would have a crafty feel, it became like an obsession to prove my inner voice wrong.

It was during one of these examinations (not in Tescos I hasten to add) that I noticed my nipple had inverted, "Uh Oh" I thought, "this is definitely wrong".  I then found what seemed to be a swelling inside my breast but, in my naivety (if you continue to read my blog you will see that I was naive A LOT over the following weeks!), I thought the swelling was just the muscle inside my boob.  I had been doing Slimming World for a couple of weeks and, like most women, the first place I lose weight is the last place I need to  - in my case, my boobs and I think this is the reason why I noticed the swelling.   The next day I did the right thing and made a Drs appointment for a few days later.  However, a day before the Drs appointment the nipple went back to normal and I convinced myself I had imagined the swelling (I know, I know....).  So, when I went along to the Drs I did the wrong thing and instead of mentioning my concerns, I told her about the strange "damp" smell I had been experiencing inside my nose for the previous couple of weeks.  I had blamed the hamsters and put them in the bathtub, I thought maybe we had a leak and went around smelling the pipes.  My family got used to seeing me with an Olbas nasal stick stuck up my nose.  Anyway, I digress (another thing I am guilty of), the Dr diagnosed a sinus problem and gave me antibiotics and I went away content - sort of.

A week later when my husband came home from work, I asked him to feel my boob - of course, he thought all his Christmases had come at once - after all, it wasn't our anniversary or his birthday, we were in the kitchen and it wasn't quite dark yet!  He took off his jacket and had a feel then told me that he too could feel something and that I should make an appt with the Dr for the next morning.  I went to bed a bit concerned but still believing that it was probably nothing.  After all, I am only 43 years old, live quite a healthy lifestyle, drink very little (though I will admit to being partial to our friend, Lisa's version of Long Island Iced Tea - but that's not an every day occurrence), I don't smoke and avoid white bread like the plague (just ask my Mum and Dad!) so how COULD it be anything sinister?  My friends agreed with me when I mentioned it to them, we all thought that, if anything, it would be "just a cyst".  I visited the Drs on Friday 11th November, Remembrance Day!  Both the Dr and his student said they could feel something and he referred me to our local hospitals' "One Stop Shop Breast Clinic" - I never even knew such a place existed.  According to NICE, a patient must be seen within 14 days of being referred and my appointment came through for Thursday 24th November.  I was told to allow 3 hours for an examination, a mammogram and an ultra sound, if required.

My husband booked the day off and we went along, me still not too concerned just wanting to be out of there so we could do some Christmas shopping afterwards......  I was called in to see the Dr for an examination. He spent so long going backwards and forwards between my boobs that in the end I put my hand up and asked him if he really was the Dr and not some bloke off the street getting a quick feel.  The nurse fell about laughing and he spluttered.  I apologised and explained I am a bit of a joker, especially when feeling nervous, luckily he has a great sense of humour and took it in the spirit it was intended.  He told me I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound and, that if it was a cyst, it would be drained that day.  Having already spied the trolley with the needles in they use for draining, I left the examination room feeling a little green.  I went back to Alan and explained that he would have to come in with me if that happened as it was likely I would be seeing my breakfast again soon.

After my mammogram the machine broke down - that was the ONLY bit of luck I had that day.  The nurse came to get me for the ultrasound and said Alan could come too - now, I should have realised at this point that things were going downhill fast - but not me and I walked to the room laughing with the nurse about something daft!  We entered the room and it was full of nurses who immediately started talking to me in that lovely, caring way they have.  I laid down on the bed and the Dr explained she was going to do the Ultrasound, another nurse sat beside me rubbing my arm.  In the back of my brain little alarms were going off "ping ping ping" and I felt myself begin to start shaking, like tremors from within me that I couldn't control.  The Dr said she needed to take a biopsy from the lump - at this point she confirmed it wasn't a cyst after all.  During the biopsy they asked Alan if he was okay little did they know that he loves anything gory like that so was in his element!  In fact I'm surprised he didn't ask if he could sit closer....  The biopsy didn't hurt, they gave me a local anaesthetic and then took 5 or 6 samples from the lump.  Now, on my way to visit the loo earlier, I had noticed a room to the side, a room with comfy sofas and lots of boxes of tissues.  "Oh dear" I had thought, "that must be where they take people to give them bad news".  After the Ultrasound the nurse took Alan and I to that ruddy room.  It was at this point that I broke down and sobbed, then felt guilty for sobbing because I hadn't been told anything so was I just being a drama queen?  The nurse came back about 10 minutes later and said the Dr was waiting to see us.  My Drs name is Casper and we have met a number of times since that day, he has a fantastic sense of humour but, on this occasion he was so solemn.  We sat down and he explained that he had been confused when he first examined me because my story "didn't make sense" but now, having seen the results of the mammogram and the ultrasound, it all made perfect sense.  He said that although we had to wait a week for the biopsy results, he was convinced I had breast cancer. I'm afraid to say I didn't take this very well, I think you always wonder how you would react to bad news like that but you never know until it happens.  I had always imagined (or rather I'd hoped) I would react with a quick quip or a throw away comment, I didn't, instead I went to pieces.  I lost the ability to form words, I could only make daft sounds like "oof".  I cried.   I asked if it was treatable - a stupid question to my mind because they didn't even know what type it was at that point.  Casper offered to show me the pictures but I didn't want to see it, this only made things more difficult for him to explain so in the end I agreed to look.  Luckily, Alan had retained the use of both his brain and his mouth and was asking all the right questions.  He was so calm whereas I was a wreck.  The breast care nurses offered me water, to lie down, did I want a window open - open? I wanted to jump out of it and run away.  It was explained that I would need to return on Thursday December 1st to get the results and, if confirmed, I would most probably be having a mastectomy the following week with chemo and rads to follow that.  Blimey, that morning I had been sorting my Christmas list out - three hours later I was planning my funeral in my head.

Well if you have managed to get to the end of my waffling, I congratulate you!  I need to take some more meds now which will knock me for six so will continue my blog in a day or so.

Debs