These were words Alan and I heard a lot that following week, however, we had been in the room when Casper had made his announcement, seen his face and heard his words to me as we had left - "I'm so very sorry Deborah". I found myself apologising to him, he looked so upset, poor guy. The Breast Care Nurses (BCN - don't worry, you will soon pick up the lingo) told us we were the only ones Casper had had to give such horrible news to that day. He is such a funny and warm guy - I felt guilty for ruining his day!
We left the hospital after chatting with the BCNs about the next steps - we also left with enough paperwork to paper the downstairs loo! We saw Casper having a crafty cigarette outside so I shot him my best "Mums not happy" look and I like to think he looked a little embarrassed at being caught lol.
Despite being a grown woman of 43 and married with two kids, the only place I wanted to go right then was to my Mum and Dads. I just wanted a cuddle from my Mum and for my Dad to tell me it was going to be ok - both of which they supplied in abundance and continue to do so. An hour or so later I left feeling a lot calmer and more positive about it all.
Telling family and friends there was a strong possibility that I had cancer was very difficult. The look of shock on their faces was so upsetting and I felt awful for making them feel that way. A couple of my friends asked me how they should treat me - I think they meant should they treat me normally or with kid gloves. I assured them both that if they acted like they were walking on eggshells around me, I would absolutely hate it. I'm still Debbie, the one who organises our annual Ladies Wot Lunch days out to London, our trips to the theatre etc (still so very sorry about The Vagina Monologues disaster ladies....). I hope I can still be relied upon to come out with a sarky comment or a witty retort, especially at the wrong time! I still hate ironing and cleaning the bathroom, still eat penny sweets till I'm sick (got any Flying Saucers Kerry?), love black and white films - especially It's a Wonderful Life and Arsenic & Old Lace and still think this year's X-Factor was the biggest load of crap on telly in years! It's just that some of my cells have turned bad and need a good talking to! Thankfully, my friends understood this and so, in the spirit of friendship, they have continued to give me a hard time - for goodness sake, don't they know I have cancer? Have a little compassion ladies......... ;-)
Alan and I knew it wasn't a mistake, but could totally understand family and friends who wanted to think like that. I know that I would have said the exact same thing to any of them if the shoe had been on the other foot. However, we agreed that we wouldn't get our hopes up and would prepare for the worst - just in case. We also decided against telling Alec & Hannah anything until we knew for definite. Alec, at 17, is just about to take his AS Levels so has enough on his plate (after all, just being a teenager is difficult enough isn't it?) and Hannah is such a Mummy's girl, we were already worried how she would handle the news. It seemed kinder to leave them in ignorance for a while longer.
Remember I mentioned earlier that I had been going to Slimming World when this all came about? Well, week after week I had gone along with Kerry. Every week, on the way there, she would confess to having eaten either the entire menu at Pizza Hut or the contents of her fridge - and every flaming week she would be a loser! Some weeks she lost 3lb and they rang that damn bell, other weeks it would be 2 or 2.5lb - there was only a couple of occasions where she stayed the same. Me, on the other hand, I would lose half a pound here, a pound there or stay the same and I was following the flipping plan! Well!!! after the week I'd had - my appetite had flown out the same window I had wanted to jump out of, the thought, smell or sight of food made me heave. I had the constant shakes, in fact I felt as though I was on one of those Power Plates at the gym, so I must have lost weight. I told Kerry I was going to SW that night because I was going to ring that damn bell if it killed me! I got there, signed in, took off my boots and cardi and stood in line......... My moment came and I stood on those scales, I had lost a total of..... 2.5 sodding pounds! Honestly, I felt like picking up the bell and chucking it out the window! Mind you, Anne, our Leader took pity on me and marked my card as having "reached target weight" so now I get to go to SW and don't have to pay - see there is ALWAYS a silver lining if you look hard enough! Think on, the next time you hear a bell ring - especially at this time of year, it does't necessarily mean an Angel has got its wings (a quote from Clarence the Angel in It's a Wonderful Life) - it could mean that a SW member has lost 3lb.......
As always, onwards and upwards!
Debs x
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